When I first signed up, I wasn’t expecting all the perverts. I’d accounted for your everyday weirdo; the kind of guys you see hustling girls outside of high school or running unnecessarily topless. I’d become acclimated to these men on train rides and occasional trips to the midnight liquor store. Their nuisance was nothing new to me. Little did I know there were far stickier breeds of repulsive. My only experience online dating was a post-breakup Tinder relapse in 2015. I went out with a 29-year-old backpacker from Spain who really just needed a place to stay. The following morning, I realized he’d confused the app for CouchSurfing when he asked, “Who else has been on your cultural tour?” Despite sharing my twin bed somehow we didn’t have sex. The truth is I hardly ever have sex. I don’t trust myself enough to do so.
I’ve never been good at picking the right ones, and each new bad apple hits like it’s food poisoning. I got tired of dealing with the consequences– I didn’t need any further reminders that no one would ever love me. That truthfully, no one has ever really loved a woman like me. Men, as represented by the population of Seeking Arrangements users, are only interested in sex. Anal sex, to be clear, and if it’s able to fit into their busy schedules, the better. Call me a prude, but if I hadn’t asked Dora what “open to watersports” meant, I’d have taken up swimming.
“It means,” stressing the ‘s’ to emphasize her seriousness, “he wants to drink your piss. You know, or like get pissed on. Haven’t you been on Pornhub?” She scolded me like she was my mother.
“Well apparently not recently, um what the fuck?”
“Shh!” Dora’s shushing was louder than my exclamations but she would never admit that. “I lost my headphones and I have you on speaker. Ok, I’m in my Uber. Look at the link I just sent you… You might have to drink his pee too if he’s into that.”
“Eww gross,” I paused to hit my vape, “how will I know if he’s into that?”
“Scroll through his profile, Alex, but don’t message him. That’s what I always do.” Since our senior year of high school Dora had become obsessed with sugar dating. Although we didn’t go to the same universities even during our four-year separation Dora and I remained in close contact. I needed an escape from my studies and she needed someone to talk to about the dates she never actually went on.
“I already looked through his photos but I don’t see him peeing on any women, are you sure that’s what it means? Just a second, let’s see what he’s drinking at this Christmas party.”
“Alex, are you kidding me?! You can’t post pictures like that on Seeking Arrangements this is for dating it’s not prostitution; scroll down to his ‘interests’ it should be next to his salary before taxes.”
He was an IT engineer that made $150,000/year and recently moved to the United States from Tibet. He was looking for a white American wife and would be ready to marry as soon as he found a real virgin. He said he had ways to find out and would deduct 10% from the $2,000 monthly allowance for any transgressions. “Please no liars or deceitful women, only White.” Men on this website not only specified preferences in bodily fluids but also color of delusional as well.